Leaving court after sentencing.
What is a Victims Impact Statement?
The Victims Impact Statement is a victim’s right that states began allowing in 1976. It is designed to allow the victim to express what effect the crime has had on their life. However, there are many rules attached. The victim has a time limit, cannot say anything about the character of the offender. Victims cannot ask for a sentence. In fact, before it can be read in court, the statement has to be approved by the judge. While we didn’t follow all the rules, we were allowed to read our statements in entirety. My statement was almost disallowed because of length. It was allowed when I pointed out I had 3 people to discuss. The judge actually had tears in his eyes when Clif read his. But because he mentioned he wanted the maximum sentence, it was used in the drunk drivers appeal.
Clif's Statement
RE: People vs. Demetrius PriceYour Honor, My name is Clifton Fields. I am the father of Jason Fields and grandfather of Ruby Fields who's lives were taken the night of April 6th, 2015. Demetrius Price is the person responsible for the taking of those lives along with Ruby's mother and Jason's fiance', Shannon West. In a moment of total arrogance and ego, Mr. Price took it upon himself to drive a car while under the influence even though he did not possess a driver's license. His decision was the epitome of the belief of being above the law and total disregard for the safety of himself and others. While he did not have intent to kill this family, his actions nonetheless were deliberate.
Ruby, Jason, myself, my father, my grandfather and my great grandfather are all firstborns. While that doesn't mean today what it did in the past, it was still a matter of pride. It is heritage. It is a position that, at least in my family, is looked upon with some respect. How important is it? My father checked himself out of a hospital after suffering a major heart attack and travelled 700 miles to be at the birth of his grandchild even knowing he might not live long enough to see it. He didn't live long enough but he still felt it was important enough to do what he did. That's what it means. Now that branch of the family tree is no longer. It now ends with me. It was severed by the thoughtless action of a young man who from all appearances, couldn't care less.
I watched my son grow up with pride. He wasn't a star athlete. He wasn't a mathmatical genius. He wasn't a fantastic musician. What he was a boy who became a responsible and self reliant young man. He was never in trouble with the law. He didn't do drugs. He seldom used alcohol and never drove after drinking. He grew up taking care of both myself and my wife if we were sick and then taking care of his new family. He worked hard; things didn't come easy some times and luck doesn't run in our family. I was and still am very proud of the man he became.
My granddaughter was going to be something special. That became obvious within a few months of her birth. Very observant and very curious, Ruby had no fear and took on challenges with stubborness. I built her a computer when she was three months old so she could watch her movies and music videos and at nine months, she could point to the icons on the monitor with her finger to tell you which ones she wanted to see. Obviously she couldn't use a keyboard, but at just over a year she began to learn to use a mouse and by 18 months old, she could use that mouse to click on the icons of the show she wanted without any help. She was also quite capable of making Skype phone calls to her father on her tablet and going to the internet on her grandmother's phone. Nobody taught her any of that. She learned it entirely on her own by watching.
Very very seldom did we go a single day without talking to the kids or seeing them and we were Ruby's babysitters five and even six days a week. We were an extended family with separate addresses. We had as close to what you saw on TV in The Waltons as you could get without actually living together. We actually did live under the same roof for six months before Ruby was born and for three months in 2013. I can honestly say that I know of no family that was closer to each other than ours.
All that is gone. My wife and I hear "when things get back to normal", but we can never do that ever again. Our kids were our normal. They were as much a part of our lives as my wife and I are to each other. You cannot cut a pie and remove three slices and ever expect the pie to be whole again. My only son is gone. My only grandchild is gone. I will never be able to argue about football or debate Star Wars vs. Star Trek with my son. I will never see what my granddaughter would have been. For the rest of my life Father's Day will bring sadness and tears and because of when they died, my birthday on the 8th of April is forever tainted. No more family Christmas or Thanksgiving dinners, no more 4th of July fireworks watching. I will never hear my granddaughter call me Gram'Pa. I will never ever hear from them or be able to say to them "I love you." Those were my last words to them when they left our home on the night of April 6th, 2015. By the time the sun came up, they were all dead.
If you ask me what punishment Mr. Price deserves? He deserves the full extent of what the law allows. I do not believe that he is remorseful; in fact, I believe the opposite. I do not believe he has learned from this and, given the opportunity, he will once again get behind the wheel of a car in the same or similar physical condition and endanger others. As I said earlier, these deaths are a result of a deliberate decision on his part. To be perfectly honest, I believe the man feels that the law does not apply to him; that he is above it and has no respect for it and therefore does not respect human life. Sincerely, Clifton Fields
Ruby, Jason, myself, my father, my grandfather and my great grandfather are all firstborns. While that doesn't mean today what it did in the past, it was still a matter of pride. It is heritage. It is a position that, at least in my family, is looked upon with some respect. How important is it? My father checked himself out of a hospital after suffering a major heart attack and travelled 700 miles to be at the birth of his grandchild even knowing he might not live long enough to see it. He didn't live long enough but he still felt it was important enough to do what he did. That's what it means. Now that branch of the family tree is no longer. It now ends with me. It was severed by the thoughtless action of a young man who from all appearances, couldn't care less.
I watched my son grow up with pride. He wasn't a star athlete. He wasn't a mathmatical genius. He wasn't a fantastic musician. What he was a boy who became a responsible and self reliant young man. He was never in trouble with the law. He didn't do drugs. He seldom used alcohol and never drove after drinking. He grew up taking care of both myself and my wife if we were sick and then taking care of his new family. He worked hard; things didn't come easy some times and luck doesn't run in our family. I was and still am very proud of the man he became.
My granddaughter was going to be something special. That became obvious within a few months of her birth. Very observant and very curious, Ruby had no fear and took on challenges with stubborness. I built her a computer when she was three months old so she could watch her movies and music videos and at nine months, she could point to the icons on the monitor with her finger to tell you which ones she wanted to see. Obviously she couldn't use a keyboard, but at just over a year she began to learn to use a mouse and by 18 months old, she could use that mouse to click on the icons of the show she wanted without any help. She was also quite capable of making Skype phone calls to her father on her tablet and going to the internet on her grandmother's phone. Nobody taught her any of that. She learned it entirely on her own by watching.
Very very seldom did we go a single day without talking to the kids or seeing them and we were Ruby's babysitters five and even six days a week. We were an extended family with separate addresses. We had as close to what you saw on TV in The Waltons as you could get without actually living together. We actually did live under the same roof for six months before Ruby was born and for three months in 2013. I can honestly say that I know of no family that was closer to each other than ours.
All that is gone. My wife and I hear "when things get back to normal", but we can never do that ever again. Our kids were our normal. They were as much a part of our lives as my wife and I are to each other. You cannot cut a pie and remove three slices and ever expect the pie to be whole again. My only son is gone. My only grandchild is gone. I will never be able to argue about football or debate Star Wars vs. Star Trek with my son. I will never see what my granddaughter would have been. For the rest of my life Father's Day will bring sadness and tears and because of when they died, my birthday on the 8th of April is forever tainted. No more family Christmas or Thanksgiving dinners, no more 4th of July fireworks watching. I will never hear my granddaughter call me Gram'Pa. I will never ever hear from them or be able to say to them "I love you." Those were my last words to them when they left our home on the night of April 6th, 2015. By the time the sun came up, they were all dead.
If you ask me what punishment Mr. Price deserves? He deserves the full extent of what the law allows. I do not believe that he is remorseful; in fact, I believe the opposite. I do not believe he has learned from this and, given the opportunity, he will once again get behind the wheel of a car in the same or similar physical condition and endanger others. As I said earlier, these deaths are a result of a deliberate decision on his part. To be perfectly honest, I believe the man feels that the law does not apply to him; that he is above it and has no respect for it and therefore does not respect human life. Sincerely, Clifton Fields
My Statement
The Honorable Judge Timothy Henderson Re: Case # CF-2015-2823
Your Honor: My name is LaJan Fields. The victims in this case are my son, Jason Robert Fields his fiancé Shannon Elizabeth West and my granddaughter Ruby Michele Fields. Being able to speak to you about Jason, Shannon, and Ruby is both an honor and the hardest thing I have ever been asked to do. Some may feel that my words are meant to glorify who they were, but in all honesty, they were the most amazing people I have ever known. Each one an individual yet together a sweet almost perfect little family. Jason was in my life for 34 years, 3 months and 3 days. I am extremely proud of the man my baby grew to be. Jason had a capacity for love that was simply amazing. Yes Jason was known for his sarcastic sense of humor, but I loved it as that trait came from me. Jason would bring humor to every situation. Once when I was seriously ill Jason was home alone with me and had to help me go to the restroom. I cried being embarrassed that my 18 year old son was forced to do this. When I apologized he simply said Mom, I figure I owe you. How many diapers did you have to change before you got me potty trained. Jason was the type of man that would put the needs of others ahead of his own. When he was in high school Jason had many friends and was often out with them. Once he had plans to go out with some of those friends when he learned I was not going to be able to attend a concert because the friend I was going with had become ill. He found this out just as his friends came to pick him up. He left but came back minutes later. He walked past me and simply said, get dressed old lady we have a concert to get to. I could tell you story after story of how wonderful my son was. The simple fact is that I didn’t have a friend that didn’t love this boy from the time he was a baby until the day he was killed speaks volumes. Each told me how lucky I was to have such a wonderful young man in my life. From a young age for Jason family and family pride was something Jason held dear to his heart. Once a month when Jason was young we shared what we called Mommy/Son day. On these days we might go out to eat and to a movie, a concert. Sometimes a long drive with no destination in mind or just camp out in my room with tons of junk food and watch old black and white movies. I realized they meant as much to him as they did me when as a grown man no longer living in my home he said we needed a Mommy/son day. Proud is a word that describes only partially how I felt about my baby boy. There is a song by Blake Shelton called The Baby. It is a man singing about his mother. As he is the youngest of 3 boys I thought that was the point of the song for him. When he describes the baby the song states and that one’s kinda crazy, but that one is my baby. The song ends with the baby in another state when his mother dies and he did not get to tell her goodbye. Jason had me listen to this song. At the end of it he said Mom, that is how I feel about you, if I did not get to say goodbye to you it would kill me. Jason would often make me CD’s of music and books on CD’s. That song would always be on them somewhere. Today I understand the baby in the song’s heartache, I didn’t get to tell my Jason goodbye.
Shannon was part of my life for 2 years, 9 months and 5 days. I will not say that it was instant love or even friendship between us because that would be a lie. I had moved to Texas for 5 years leaving Jason with his longtime girlfriend. When I moved home on July 1, 2012 I was introduced to Shannon. It was apparent that it was more than a friendship and since I had never known he was having problems with his other girlfriend she was more than a shock to me. For months I tolerated her and tried to figure out what about her Jason liked. Yes I was the typical critical mother of a son. I also admit that when she became pregnant I was less than pleased. The day after learning of the pregnancy I asked to speak to her. I laid out plainly what my concerns were and how I felt about the situation. I also listened closely as she explained to me her past and her feelings for my son. I was both shocked and honored when she had Jason ask me if she could call me Mom after that. After this talk Shannon and I slowly became friends. We often talked and discussed our feelings on different topics. Shannon allowed me to be part of her pregnancy, both good and bad. Hours were spent simply trying to figure out what Shannon was craving. We shopped for the baby, planned for the baby together. When she asked me to be with her and Jason in the delivery room I was shocked and honored. I realized when I went to work at a company Shannon worked for that she truly did love me. My first day of training with 24 other people when I introduced myself the trainer said, “Oh you are Shannon West mother.” Shannon has told us all about you. Each supervisor I met would tell me the same thing, how Shannon had bragged about me. It was a shock when they learned she was not my natural born daughter. I asked her about it later and she told me, but to me you are my mom and I share you with Jason. Yes my love grew for this wonderful girl. She came to fit into the family so well. She was a comic in her own right. One of her favorite things to do was call me and tell me she had a surprise for me. She knew my curiosity would drive me crazy and she loved to watch me try to worm the information out of her. She would often surprise me by texting me and telling me she was meeting me for lunch. Each time she would bring something she knew I liked to eat. When I told her I usually don’t eat breakfast or lunch it would prompt a lecture on the fact she doesn’t think I take care of myself so she has to. She said now that I have you I am not letting you go. Shannon was sometimes a pain yes, but she was just like what I thought having a natural born daughter would be like. And I loved it and I miss her every day.
Little Miss Ruby Michele Fields, I had 22 short months with this precious little gem. I watched as she entered the world. I saw her Daddy cut the umbilical cord. I watched with tears flowing as she was laid in her Mommy’s arms for the first time. I was filled with pride as I watched my babies welcome their daughter into the world. The first time I held Ruby that day as I spoke softly to her she grinned. It was not gas because she would grin each time I spoke to her. Shannon only laughed at me. Mom I have been telling you for 9 months she always became active when she heard your voice and would calm down when you spoke her name before birth. She is going to be your girl for sure. And she was. My husband and I cared for her when Shannon returned to work. From the time she was born until the day she was murdered she spent usually 4 to 6 days a week at my home. She spent the night at least once every week of her life, sometimes more. When we asked for her to sleep over Jason and Shannon seldom said no. At a very early age Ruby knew how to get what she wanted from me. She liked to be rocked to sleep sitting on my bed. She would whine until I would take her into my room and sit down on the bed. She would stare at me until she fell asleep. When she was 5 months old she was pulling up on everything. I scolded her one day because she continued to grab things on the end table next to me. When she had enough of my saying no to her she slapped my leg and began yelling her gibberish at me. As I sat shocked at this outburst from Ruby my husband, Jason and Shannon laughed. When I asked what was so funny I was informed by Shannon that she had my attitude and I had just met my match. No truer words was ever spoken. Ruby was a good baby, but she definitely knew how to get her way. My challenge was always to tell her no without laughing. When she truly wanted something I was saying no to she would crawl into my lap, take my face in her hands and shake my head yes. If I continued to say no she would give me sweet sloppy kisses. It was a struggle to continue saying no. Ruby was a true joy. When Ruby’s parents were closing their stores she would be at my home. I often would have to go to bed while she was still there in order to work the next day. Ruby would follow me to my room and I would tell her goodnight. She would leave pulling the door almost shut. About every 5 minutes she would return to my room tapping on the door. When I would say yes Ruby she would come running in and come to my bed to give me more goodnight kisses. She would keep doing this until I feel asleep and no longer called her name. That is my last precious memory of my Ruby.
My children as a whole was a wonderful loving little family. Ruby would scream with delight when she would hear her Mommy and Daddy’s ringtone on my phone. When they would come to pick her up she would jump from on to the other to kiss and hug them. Ruby never cried for her parents when they left her at our home, but Shannon cried for a week each time she left Ruby when she first went back to work. They had made a sweet little family that was a beautiful sight of love and respect. They were planning to be married and have another baby. Something I was looking forward to being a part of.
Since the day I learned by watching the news that Jason, Shannon and Ruby had been killed I had to go under the care of a doctor for several months going twice a month to monitor my blood pressure. Until that day my pressure had been low, suddenly I had alarming high pressure. I am still under the care of a counselor. The major concern of my counselor is that I will become suicidal, the diagnosis being complicated grief. So my supervisor who is also my friend would not have to fire me I had to quit my job. I went from being one of the top 20 customer service reps to being one of the worst. My quality, handle time and general attitude suffered. I was no longer able to care about a person’s cell phone not working. That is not a true problem when your 3 precious children are dead. My attendance went from near perfect to my missing over 350 hours in 5 months’ time.
Your honor telling you how my life has not changed would be much easier than telling you how it has changed. I was told when this happened that once my life went back to normal I would be alright. There is no normal without Jason, Shannon and Ruby. My mornings would always start with me grabbing my phone before I was even out of the bed to check for messages from Jason and Shannon which would usually include a new picture of Ruby. I seldom cook because no longer is Ruby sitting in her high chair talking to me while I prepare dinner. And cooking dinner always involved the question do we have Ruby and if we did what new treat could I fix for her. My husband and I can no longer sit at our dining room table because we shared so much time with Ruby, Jason and Shannon at that table. There was no turkey at the holidays because each time I thought about it I remembered how much Jason loved my Turkey and that I had promised to make him one before the holidays. I can’t stand the thought of cooking spaghetti because Shannon and I competed for which of us could make it best for Ruby. Unless I take medication I can’t sleep more than 1 or 2 hours a night. I often have vivid nightmares involving the deaths of Jason Shannon and Ruby and on many occasions wake up with a painful rash all over my body because of the nightmares. Seeing a little girl around 2 always brings tears to my eyes. Songs on the radio suddenly make me cry. My friends tell me they miss the old Jan, the laughter and fun. She no longer exist. She was replaced by a woman determined to graduate from College and become a Victims Advocate. I speak 4 to 8 times a month at Victims impact panels. My goal is to prevent at least one mother/grandmother from feeling this pain I am forced to live with. Each day I have to remind myself I cannot call Jason and Shannon and ask if I can kidnap Ruby for the day. I sleep with Ruby’s Rainbow Bear at night. I often go to my closet and open the diaper bag still packed as it was that horrible night she left my house with it and open it to smell the outfit she had on that day before being dressed for bed. There are days I wear a pair of Shannon’s pants and Jason’s shirt just to feel close to them. Your honor, simply put my life hasn’t changed since my children were killed, it was obliterated and replaced with something foreign because Jason Shannon and Ruby were my life. I would like to end by reading you a short letter Jason wrote to Ruby on her first, and only birthday.
Dear Ruby, As I am writing this, you have just turned one. I want you to know that no matter what you become I am very proud of you. Just to let you know, you are a miracle baby to your Mom and I. I am very proud to have you in my life. Just to let you know, before you came into our lives I thought that I was not ready to be your father. And I know that I was not. But as time has gone by I realized that nobody will ever be ready to be a parent. There are so many things that I hope that I teach you in life. The first thing is that you should treat everyone with the respect that you want them to give you. I know that you deserve everything that God can give you, but I can give you only so much. The one thing that I can always give you is my love and protection.
No matter what sentence is handed down today my children will never call me, or knock on my door again. The memories of them is now all I have and I simply do not have enough of those. All I ask for today is that the sentence given to the defendant reflects justice for the loss of these 3 precious babies and grants Jason his wish to always protect Ruby.
Thank you for your time.
Your Honor: My name is LaJan Fields. The victims in this case are my son, Jason Robert Fields his fiancé Shannon Elizabeth West and my granddaughter Ruby Michele Fields. Being able to speak to you about Jason, Shannon, and Ruby is both an honor and the hardest thing I have ever been asked to do. Some may feel that my words are meant to glorify who they were, but in all honesty, they were the most amazing people I have ever known. Each one an individual yet together a sweet almost perfect little family. Jason was in my life for 34 years, 3 months and 3 days. I am extremely proud of the man my baby grew to be. Jason had a capacity for love that was simply amazing. Yes Jason was known for his sarcastic sense of humor, but I loved it as that trait came from me. Jason would bring humor to every situation. Once when I was seriously ill Jason was home alone with me and had to help me go to the restroom. I cried being embarrassed that my 18 year old son was forced to do this. When I apologized he simply said Mom, I figure I owe you. How many diapers did you have to change before you got me potty trained. Jason was the type of man that would put the needs of others ahead of his own. When he was in high school Jason had many friends and was often out with them. Once he had plans to go out with some of those friends when he learned I was not going to be able to attend a concert because the friend I was going with had become ill. He found this out just as his friends came to pick him up. He left but came back minutes later. He walked past me and simply said, get dressed old lady we have a concert to get to. I could tell you story after story of how wonderful my son was. The simple fact is that I didn’t have a friend that didn’t love this boy from the time he was a baby until the day he was killed speaks volumes. Each told me how lucky I was to have such a wonderful young man in my life. From a young age for Jason family and family pride was something Jason held dear to his heart. Once a month when Jason was young we shared what we called Mommy/Son day. On these days we might go out to eat and to a movie, a concert. Sometimes a long drive with no destination in mind or just camp out in my room with tons of junk food and watch old black and white movies. I realized they meant as much to him as they did me when as a grown man no longer living in my home he said we needed a Mommy/son day. Proud is a word that describes only partially how I felt about my baby boy. There is a song by Blake Shelton called The Baby. It is a man singing about his mother. As he is the youngest of 3 boys I thought that was the point of the song for him. When he describes the baby the song states and that one’s kinda crazy, but that one is my baby. The song ends with the baby in another state when his mother dies and he did not get to tell her goodbye. Jason had me listen to this song. At the end of it he said Mom, that is how I feel about you, if I did not get to say goodbye to you it would kill me. Jason would often make me CD’s of music and books on CD’s. That song would always be on them somewhere. Today I understand the baby in the song’s heartache, I didn’t get to tell my Jason goodbye.
Shannon was part of my life for 2 years, 9 months and 5 days. I will not say that it was instant love or even friendship between us because that would be a lie. I had moved to Texas for 5 years leaving Jason with his longtime girlfriend. When I moved home on July 1, 2012 I was introduced to Shannon. It was apparent that it was more than a friendship and since I had never known he was having problems with his other girlfriend she was more than a shock to me. For months I tolerated her and tried to figure out what about her Jason liked. Yes I was the typical critical mother of a son. I also admit that when she became pregnant I was less than pleased. The day after learning of the pregnancy I asked to speak to her. I laid out plainly what my concerns were and how I felt about the situation. I also listened closely as she explained to me her past and her feelings for my son. I was both shocked and honored when she had Jason ask me if she could call me Mom after that. After this talk Shannon and I slowly became friends. We often talked and discussed our feelings on different topics. Shannon allowed me to be part of her pregnancy, both good and bad. Hours were spent simply trying to figure out what Shannon was craving. We shopped for the baby, planned for the baby together. When she asked me to be with her and Jason in the delivery room I was shocked and honored. I realized when I went to work at a company Shannon worked for that she truly did love me. My first day of training with 24 other people when I introduced myself the trainer said, “Oh you are Shannon West mother.” Shannon has told us all about you. Each supervisor I met would tell me the same thing, how Shannon had bragged about me. It was a shock when they learned she was not my natural born daughter. I asked her about it later and she told me, but to me you are my mom and I share you with Jason. Yes my love grew for this wonderful girl. She came to fit into the family so well. She was a comic in her own right. One of her favorite things to do was call me and tell me she had a surprise for me. She knew my curiosity would drive me crazy and she loved to watch me try to worm the information out of her. She would often surprise me by texting me and telling me she was meeting me for lunch. Each time she would bring something she knew I liked to eat. When I told her I usually don’t eat breakfast or lunch it would prompt a lecture on the fact she doesn’t think I take care of myself so she has to. She said now that I have you I am not letting you go. Shannon was sometimes a pain yes, but she was just like what I thought having a natural born daughter would be like. And I loved it and I miss her every day.
Little Miss Ruby Michele Fields, I had 22 short months with this precious little gem. I watched as she entered the world. I saw her Daddy cut the umbilical cord. I watched with tears flowing as she was laid in her Mommy’s arms for the first time. I was filled with pride as I watched my babies welcome their daughter into the world. The first time I held Ruby that day as I spoke softly to her she grinned. It was not gas because she would grin each time I spoke to her. Shannon only laughed at me. Mom I have been telling you for 9 months she always became active when she heard your voice and would calm down when you spoke her name before birth. She is going to be your girl for sure. And she was. My husband and I cared for her when Shannon returned to work. From the time she was born until the day she was murdered she spent usually 4 to 6 days a week at my home. She spent the night at least once every week of her life, sometimes more. When we asked for her to sleep over Jason and Shannon seldom said no. At a very early age Ruby knew how to get what she wanted from me. She liked to be rocked to sleep sitting on my bed. She would whine until I would take her into my room and sit down on the bed. She would stare at me until she fell asleep. When she was 5 months old she was pulling up on everything. I scolded her one day because she continued to grab things on the end table next to me. When she had enough of my saying no to her she slapped my leg and began yelling her gibberish at me. As I sat shocked at this outburst from Ruby my husband, Jason and Shannon laughed. When I asked what was so funny I was informed by Shannon that she had my attitude and I had just met my match. No truer words was ever spoken. Ruby was a good baby, but she definitely knew how to get her way. My challenge was always to tell her no without laughing. When she truly wanted something I was saying no to she would crawl into my lap, take my face in her hands and shake my head yes. If I continued to say no she would give me sweet sloppy kisses. It was a struggle to continue saying no. Ruby was a true joy. When Ruby’s parents were closing their stores she would be at my home. I often would have to go to bed while she was still there in order to work the next day. Ruby would follow me to my room and I would tell her goodnight. She would leave pulling the door almost shut. About every 5 minutes she would return to my room tapping on the door. When I would say yes Ruby she would come running in and come to my bed to give me more goodnight kisses. She would keep doing this until I feel asleep and no longer called her name. That is my last precious memory of my Ruby.
My children as a whole was a wonderful loving little family. Ruby would scream with delight when she would hear her Mommy and Daddy’s ringtone on my phone. When they would come to pick her up she would jump from on to the other to kiss and hug them. Ruby never cried for her parents when they left her at our home, but Shannon cried for a week each time she left Ruby when she first went back to work. They had made a sweet little family that was a beautiful sight of love and respect. They were planning to be married and have another baby. Something I was looking forward to being a part of.
Since the day I learned by watching the news that Jason, Shannon and Ruby had been killed I had to go under the care of a doctor for several months going twice a month to monitor my blood pressure. Until that day my pressure had been low, suddenly I had alarming high pressure. I am still under the care of a counselor. The major concern of my counselor is that I will become suicidal, the diagnosis being complicated grief. So my supervisor who is also my friend would not have to fire me I had to quit my job. I went from being one of the top 20 customer service reps to being one of the worst. My quality, handle time and general attitude suffered. I was no longer able to care about a person’s cell phone not working. That is not a true problem when your 3 precious children are dead. My attendance went from near perfect to my missing over 350 hours in 5 months’ time.
Your honor telling you how my life has not changed would be much easier than telling you how it has changed. I was told when this happened that once my life went back to normal I would be alright. There is no normal without Jason, Shannon and Ruby. My mornings would always start with me grabbing my phone before I was even out of the bed to check for messages from Jason and Shannon which would usually include a new picture of Ruby. I seldom cook because no longer is Ruby sitting in her high chair talking to me while I prepare dinner. And cooking dinner always involved the question do we have Ruby and if we did what new treat could I fix for her. My husband and I can no longer sit at our dining room table because we shared so much time with Ruby, Jason and Shannon at that table. There was no turkey at the holidays because each time I thought about it I remembered how much Jason loved my Turkey and that I had promised to make him one before the holidays. I can’t stand the thought of cooking spaghetti because Shannon and I competed for which of us could make it best for Ruby. Unless I take medication I can’t sleep more than 1 or 2 hours a night. I often have vivid nightmares involving the deaths of Jason Shannon and Ruby and on many occasions wake up with a painful rash all over my body because of the nightmares. Seeing a little girl around 2 always brings tears to my eyes. Songs on the radio suddenly make me cry. My friends tell me they miss the old Jan, the laughter and fun. She no longer exist. She was replaced by a woman determined to graduate from College and become a Victims Advocate. I speak 4 to 8 times a month at Victims impact panels. My goal is to prevent at least one mother/grandmother from feeling this pain I am forced to live with. Each day I have to remind myself I cannot call Jason and Shannon and ask if I can kidnap Ruby for the day. I sleep with Ruby’s Rainbow Bear at night. I often go to my closet and open the diaper bag still packed as it was that horrible night she left my house with it and open it to smell the outfit she had on that day before being dressed for bed. There are days I wear a pair of Shannon’s pants and Jason’s shirt just to feel close to them. Your honor, simply put my life hasn’t changed since my children were killed, it was obliterated and replaced with something foreign because Jason Shannon and Ruby were my life. I would like to end by reading you a short letter Jason wrote to Ruby on her first, and only birthday.
Dear Ruby, As I am writing this, you have just turned one. I want you to know that no matter what you become I am very proud of you. Just to let you know, you are a miracle baby to your Mom and I. I am very proud to have you in my life. Just to let you know, before you came into our lives I thought that I was not ready to be your father. And I know that I was not. But as time has gone by I realized that nobody will ever be ready to be a parent. There are so many things that I hope that I teach you in life. The first thing is that you should treat everyone with the respect that you want them to give you. I know that you deserve everything that God can give you, but I can give you only so much. The one thing that I can always give you is my love and protection.
No matter what sentence is handed down today my children will never call me, or knock on my door again. The memories of them is now all I have and I simply do not have enough of those. All I ask for today is that the sentence given to the defendant reflects justice for the loss of these 3 precious babies and grants Jason his wish to always protect Ruby.
Thank you for your time.
Remorse
Definition: deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed.
I see remorse as this picture, total darkness with some light shining on it. For those that have remorse, and are working to make a positive from the negative, there is light in the darkness. Having seen both a lack of remorse and extreme remorse I feel like I understand it, but I can’t really explain it. In our situation we deal with a lack of remorse. For us it is painful because it shows a lack of respect for our children that he murdered. I have friends that are remorseful and I see the pain they endure. It is so real that you can almost feel it coming from them. I hope that as you read these stories you understand, they are real, written by real people. They are sharing their stories with you in the hope that you never learn firsthand how it feels.
Ben
My name is Ben and I have been speaking for Victims Impact for a little over a year now. I lost a very dear friend of mine in October 2016 from a car wreck. He passed away from his injuries that were sustained from this car wreck in which alcohol was involved. I was the driver in this car wreck. We both had alcohol in our system, and while his blood alcohol level wasn't tested, mine was and was clearly over the legal limit. In the days, weeks, months after the wreck I was forced to question the person I was and the decisions that I had made. I also wondered why I was the one that survived, what made me so lucky. There are many things that my friend and I used to do for fun that I'll never go do again because it reminds me of him. He was such a large part of my life for so long, that I see him in some of the things in my house, in songs on the radio, or just driving around town seeing places we used to go. I often wonder what we were doing that night, because I still don't remember. My friend is the one who suffered the most. But it wasn't just him that was affected by this. My friends family, his girlfriend and her kids, my wife and our family, our mutual friends have all been affected by this. Events like this cast a ripple way further than we realize. Each person that we know has had to sit back and just watch as my wife and I dealt with the things that came next. The criminal charges, financial strain, the emotional stress, and even the uncertainty of the future. Even after his passing, my friends family has remained supportive and doesn't hold me to blame for this event. But I do. There were some bad decisions made that night that he and I made. We made those decisions together and they were clearly the wrong ones, we both knew better. While my friend has passed on, I live everyday knowing that I was apart of what caused all of this. I live each day knowing that something made me think that it was ok to drive after drinking. I have forced everyone around me to pay a price right along with me.After an event like this, you are forever changed. You are the same but different. And while I was eager to try to get my life back to the way that it was, it will never be the way it used to be. Losing my friend has left a huge hole in my life and in it was replaced with remorse, guilt, regret, shame, and anger. After this happened, all I wanted to do is talk to my friend and tell him I'm sorry. I want so much to go back and have the chance to do that day over again. I'll never get that chance. I will never know if I did everything I could to avoid the wreck. I'll never get to tell him I love him.
Alex
My name is Alex as of 2019 I am 25 years old and I am a repeat offender from the year 2014-2016. I am an alcoholic constantly recovering and I have sat through court, very sad speeches, I have been fined, and I feel like my life has been a hamster wheel for half a decade but that doesn't guarantee remorse. In fact I was not actually remorseful for my actions until late 2015. Now, years later, I talk to other offenders. I have spoken with the Victim's Impact Panel, I've been in the court room, and I've seen the same look I had when I sat on the other end of the table. For the longest time I said I was remorseful, I said I was sorry, but I look back and I know I wasn't. There is a difference between being frustrated or sorry about being in trouble after being caught and feeling remorse for your actions and the people it effected. Now when I think about remorse when I am looking for remorse in other people I am looking for a plan. To be truly remorseful you must know what you did and have a replacement for your behaviors that will show you are not going to do it again. true remorse shows that you are getting better to not only yourself but other people as well. It is easy to convince ourselves we are getting better or we are on the right path, it is what our brains are designed to do. Remorse is not easy, having a plan is not easy, it's not supposed to be an escape from the pain of getting in trouble but a task that benefits you and everyone around you.It took me longer than it should have to find remorse, to realize that I needed a real plan and I really needed to change. I was drinking every day, I couldn't afford basic needs because I was wasting money partying, my father was sick and I barely saw him in the hospital. Even after my first incident, or my second incident, I was sorry I got caught but I had no remorse and my life reflected that. Then one day something happened, I sat down at another Victim's Impact Panel for my third offense listening to people talk about other people I could have hurt or killed and I thought about my brother, I thought about my mom, and my dad. I thought about the people that I was hurting, not strangers, not something that could happen to them but something I myself was doing to hurt my family. I realized that even though I was safe and 'Just got caught' I was destroying my relationship with my family and I finally felt remorse.It was at that moment that I knew what actual remorse was, I developed a plan. I decided that I wasn't going to drink for a year and I stuck to that plan. I decided to talk about DUI and stop my friends from making the same mistakes. I decided to spend more time with my family to repair those bonds that I had been breaking. I made those decisions and in the following year everything got better I was able to afford basic life needs, I was finishing school, and my relationship with my family was strengthening; but the remorse didn't go away. I still felt a need to help and repair the problems I had contributed to. After a year had passed I decided I could only drink on weekends, I was not allowed to drink if I was too sad, mad, or even happy, I started speaking with the Victim's Impact Panel regularly and through remorse and having a plan to better myself my life again got better. Friends and family that had stopped talking to me re-entered my life, I started getting promotions, and more opportunities to better myself through the Victim's Impact Panel.Remorse for my actions saved my life. I believe it saved my soul. I had wondered far from the path intended for me and almost didn't make it back. Feeling the remorse, not just being upset I got in trouble and making those decisions to be better changed my life and I wouldn't be here the person I am today without it.